We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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