Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize