I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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