He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
