this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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