She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
