She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
