maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
