I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
