I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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