If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
