I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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