i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
