I need help removing her.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
