I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
