my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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