I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
