i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
