Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
