Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
