I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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