So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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