some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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