soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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