My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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