He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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