Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
