when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
