I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
