I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
