sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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