I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
