I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
