I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
