perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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