I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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