she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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