Define "chronic" masturbator.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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