I can tuck mytits in my pants
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
