Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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