i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
