I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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