There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
