I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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