It's Friday. Sex?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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