they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
