we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
