tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
