champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
