If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
