i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
