No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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