we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize