if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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