Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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