dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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