I cockslap morals
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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