The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
